Archive for May, 2011

Glad Rags

May 3, 2011

Women are talking behind my back at my work place. They mock my clothing (and probably my weight). I wear business skirt suits, starched shirts, and silk ties. “Dress for success” it was called when I started practicing law. Apparently, I am now passe, dated, frumpy, and hopelessly old fashioned. I am pleasantly surprised at my response. I don’t care. In my adolescence, I cared desperately what the other girls thought of me, if they noticed me, and most of all, what they said behind my back. I lived in Greenville, NC, and there were lots of girls my age. There were the impossibly beautiful and well groomed girls, the poor girls who were invisible, and then the rest of us in the middle. I cared terribly. I wore Weejuns, and schemed to get as many Villager outfits as possible. I felt desolate if the in-crowd arrived at the junior high school all wearing their burgandy Villager sweaters.  I never knew in advance what to wear, so I could never win that game.  The acceptance game drove some girls into depression, and others into over-achievement. One girl determined to make the cheerleading team to “get in”.   She practiced all year, and made the high school cheerleading squad. Yet, she never quite fit.  Popularity was her god.   All else was sacrificed at its altar.  Aching for acceptance, I worshipped from afar, feeling hopeless and ashamed that I cared so much.  The deep need was burgeoning, the need for love and acceptance.  But for a few good friends, I would not have survived the pain.  Me the grownup learned to hide the need, but never satisfied it.  I lived in pain, but dressed well.  Only when I met Him, was my soul satisfied.  Now, I don’t worry about what everyone is wearing.